On being "single"

Last night, as I was sitting on my couch crocheting, I had a thought. One of those sudden moments of clarity, when something comes to mind, you take a breath, and feel a settling peace. The thought I had was that I may never get married, I may never have kids, and if that is what happens, it will be okay. I can still be happy.
I've kept a journal since I was fourteen years old. As a teenager I wondered what life would be like at twenty-six. I wrote, "I'll probably be married and have kids by then." But at twenty-six, I was starting over, far from having either of those things; instead dealing with the loss of a serious relationship and also the loss of a best friend. If you had told me when I was eighteen years old that I would be one of the last of my high school friends to have a family, I would have laughed in your face. I was in love when I was eighteen, and I just didn't see how those things wouldn't come to me easy.
I woke up in the middle of the night last night, and I thought to myself, I HAVE to write about this. Even though it makes me feel vulnerable to write these things. The older I get, the more permission I give myself to be honest about loneliness. Sometimes we wake up at thirty-two, and our life is not what we hoped for, what we always thought we wanted. And some days are really sad; waking up alone, coming home to an empty house, cooking for one person. Some nights there are tears because we just want to be with the love of our life. And when we reach out to our friends, we beg you not to say, "Your time will come," or worse, "You have plenty of time to have a family." That just minimizes our pain. Because the truth is, these things aren't promised or owed to us. The truth is, we can't know that we'll find this. The truth is, there ISN'T plenty of time.
I got a tattoo when I was twenty-four years old. It was meant to remind me that no matter what happened, I didn't want to become bitter. At twenty-four I had already felt so much heartache that I knew I was in danger of becoming an angry woman. And I just didn't want to be angry about those things. It's so important to let go of fear and anger. I'm still learning, every day, how to let go.
And that's what I felt happened last night. Instead of being angry or afraid because things haven't worked out how I always thought they should, I realized, I am happy. Sure I have my moments, but deep down, I am happy with my life. I have a job I enjoy, I have hobbies I look forward to doing, I have plans to travel. I have nine awe-inspiring nieces and nephews, supportive parents and amazing siblings. My friends are solid, wise and loving. My cats are snuggly. Instead of sitting at home alone wishing I had a husband and a baby, I am actually living the life I've been given. And if I never get those things I think I want, that family, I really believe I can still be happy.
And I hope you can too.

A New Adventure

And just like that, everything changes.
Three years ago I left teaching and didn't think I'd ever go back. I had such a rough year that I thought every part of me that wanted to be a teacher was gone. Which broke my heart. I couldn't believe after working so hard in college and then taking graduate classes, that I just didn't want to do it anymore. I was 29, and I felt like I was starting over; that I needed a new career, and I needed it fast. I couldn't afford to go back to school, and even if I had been able to, I didn't know what else I wanted to be.
Luckily, I was hired on at a locally owned bakery and restaurant. To make a long story short, I eventually started decorating cakes. Which I loved. It allowed me to be creative and for that, I am so thankful. I also met a ton of great people, who I am glad to call friends.
Over the last year, I noticed that my perspective on going back to teaching was starting to change. I'd talk about a cool projects my classes did, and often found myself saying, "when I was a teacher..." After a lot of serious thinking and conversations with friends and family, I decided that I wanted to get back into the classroom. I'd had enough of a break to be refreshed and I was ready to make a change.
In the back of my head (and sometimes out loud), I'd think "I sure would like to get into a smaller, rural setting." It was the type of setting I was in during my first year of teaching, and I absolutely loved it. I decided that I would apply to every school district within two hours of Nashville. It took a lot of work, but eventually I think I applied to about 17 districts. Then, every day, I'd check each district's job posting page. One day I saw a posting for a K-12 rural school, and I clicked "apply". In the next few days I got a phone call requesting an interview, and two days after that, I found myself driving to the middle of nowhere, getting lost a couple of times, but eventually finding the school. After an hour and a half interview and tour, I felt sure that this was the place I belonged. It was EXACTLY what I was hoping for. The administrators were extremely nice and helpful and I was treated in such a way that I felt valued. That's not common in bigger school districts, which was why I was hoping for a fit like this. The next day, I got a phone call, was offered the job, and I was so excited. More excited than I'd been about anything in a long time.
The next bridge to cross was to find a place to live. I knew I had to leave East Nashville, which made me sad, but I just wasn't going to commute that far every day. I started looking in the Spring Hill area but nothing caught my eye. I kept thinking that I wished I could find a little house or duplex that was kind of out in the country to rent. I knew the chances of finding something like that were small. Most everything I came across was for sale, and I was not in the market to buy a house. Then, one day, when my mom and I spontaneously decided to drive around in the area, just in case, we came across a For Rent sign. It led down a gravel road to a cute, newly remodeled duplex. As soon as I pulled up, I called the owners, got the details and they sent someone out there to show me the place. It was in my budget, it had two bedrooms, washer and dryer connections and a great back porch. Also, there was this perfect little tree right in front where I could hang a variety of bird feeders and houses. I was excited before I even saw the inside of the place! When the landlord's daughter came to show the house, I instantly fell in love. I couldn't believe it, it was exactly what I was hoping for.
And that's how I know this is right, because I feel so peaceful about everything, and it's all just falling right into place.
In two weeks, I'm moving to this cute little house, where I will plant flowers and next spring I'll make a garden, where I will feed birds, and I'll watch the sunrise on the back porch in the morning, and I'll watch the sun set on the front porch in the evening. I will be starting a new adventure in my life. Already, I just feel so revived. Things have been hard over the last few years, and I can't help but think that there is a lot of sunshine coming my way.

Sigur Ros, the concert

I don't even know how to start talking about the Sigur Ros show in Canada last night. But here goes.

It was quite the struggle getting there. We left Portland a little later than we intended, and there were pockets of traffic jams on the way, and then there was the bridge that collapsed a few days ago in Washington which meant we had to take a detour to get into Canada. Somehow I managed to feel peaceful about the whole journey, just trying to stay positive that we wouldn't get to the show late. Finally we crossed the border, drove a little more, checked into our hotel, got some Canadian bus money and were on our way to Deer Lake Park. As it turned out, we got to the venue (which was beautiful), found a good spot, and about 15 minutes later Sigur Ros came out.

And that's when the magic started.

I'd been waiting for this for a long time. I was sure to absorb every second of the show, knowing that I was in a very special moment, witnessing art at it's finest, with my best friend Leanne, and we were surrounded by people that knew how special it was to be in that moment too. I couldn't believe that it was happening, and yes, a few tears did come to my eyes. It was raining on and off during the entire show, but somehow that made sense, and really, it was perfect. Jonsi's voice was even more beautiful than on a record. And everyone on stage worked together to make such divine music. At some point I thought to myself that I would surely visit another country just to see them live again.

I'm so thankful that Sigur Ros is making music, because I'm pretty sure it makes this world a better place. At the very least, it makes my world a better place.


Here's a little video, if you're into watching poor quality videos of live performances taken on an iphone.

And here's a little link to a review written about the show. I thought it was pretty right on.

Next time I go, I'll bring a legitimate camera, because these photos don't do the band justice.

Easiest List I've Ever Made by Leanne

1. I trust her further than I can throw a frisbee.
2. We are equally bad at frisbee, darts and pool and admit that it’s luck if we happen to do good.
3. When we share blackberry cobbler, she takes more of the fruit part and lets me have more of the yummy crust.
4. She reminds me that someday I will meet a boy and it will be easy.
5. Listening to her plans, however often they may change, always excites me.
6. I don’t have to try to like her.
7. When Sarah and I picked out a house with holes in the wall and floor for the three of us to live in, she didn’t complain and forgave me without me having to ask.
8. She has an adorable Dr.Pepper addiction.
9. If we are having a conversation and she has to go to the bathroom, she doesn’t stop, she just leaves the door open so we can continue.
10. She thinks about things like 401Ks and retirement.
11. She is so beautiful and so smart.
12. Her artwork looks like her. 
13. One time she kept a secret from me and cried about it when she told me because we don’t keep secrets from eachother.
14. When we lived together on Locust St. I woke up one morning with a note on my door that said, “Reasons ** likes me.”
15. I would do anything to protect her because I care about her that much.
16. I genuinely dislike the people who wrong her. Why would anyone ever hurt this girl?
17. She sent me the school picture that she looks like a teacher in.
18. She knows what I do when I like the music at shows.
19. When she knows I really need it, she makes me feel special.
20. She is the first person I think of when something really good or bad or weird or funny happens to me.
21. Even when I act like a nine year old, she defends me like an adult.
22. We turned to each other when the worst thing in the world happened.

23. We take pictures like this one.

Why Leanne is my top person by Ashley

1. When she wakes up, she has bedhead hair. And sometimes she goes out in public without fixing it.
2. She has the best laugh, and I get to hear it everytime I say something funny.
3. When we're at a show, and she likes the music, she bobs her head, and her arms are bent. 
4. She can run on a treadmill for an hour.
5. She spends her money on the good groceries and then will cook for you.
6. On Saturday mornings, when we lived in the same house, if I knew she was awake, I wanted to get up, even if it was early.
7. On those same mornings, I often would climb in her bed and we'd talk about the ridiculousness of the night before.
8. She always, no matter what I say or what I do, stands beside me.
9. When she has to be, she is painfully honest with me.
10. She lends me her clothes, and doesn't care how long I keep them.
11. She is intense. But only in the good way.
12. I can ask her anything about the human body, and she usually knows the answer.
13. She's beautiful.
14. She's smart.
15. She tucks her pants inside her boots, but not cause that's the cool thing to do, because she has too because of the snow.
16. She tells me if I'm settling for something.
17. I think if she could financially support me to be a full time artist, she would.
18. She would let me live with her for the summer in Colorado if I want to.
19. She's my favorite slasa dancing partner.
20. She has to rub fabric between her thumb and first finger like a nervous tick.
21. We used to swim every night we could after coming home from Lous.
22. We let each other date our ex if we think it will work out.
23. She taught me how to put friends before boyfriends.
24. She doesn't let me pull out that one long hair she has on her arm.
25. She shares eyeshadow with me that she thinks I'll like.
26. We have the same exact love for pomegranate italian soda.
27. Purple and red.
28. Whenever I'm having a really really great time, I realize all I want is for her to be with me so we can have a really really great time TOGETHER!
29. She wears tights, even if they have holes or runs in them. And she calls it punk rock.
30. She answers the phone every time she can.

Why I'd drive to Canada to see Sigur Ros

It's no secret I love music. I listen to all types depending on my mood or what I'm doing at the moment. I don't pay for TV because I'd rather have music playing as I'm cooking or cleaning or working on a project. I've gone to some great concerts of bands I really love. The most memorable ones being Radiohead (three times!!!), Tori Amos (twice!), and other great bands like U2, R.E.M., Devotchka, The Cure, Explosions in the Sky and Bon Iver. There's one band I haven't seen yet, though. Sigur Ros. They're from Iceland. My favorite band since I was 20. I still remember the first time I saw a Sigur Ros music video. It was this one (pardon the subtitles):

I was like "WHAT??" It was the most beautiful and haunting music I had ever heard. I loved it. Over the years I collected their albums as they came out. After I moved to Austin a few years later, I made a habit of listening to them while falling asleep on my couch with the Christmas lights still on. It was, and still is, one of my favorite things to do. I forced everyone around me to enjoy them as well, although most people just thought I was over enthusiastic about their music. But I don't care, because they are amazing to me. 

I can't explain what happens when I can just sit and relax and hear their music. But it does something that no other music does for me... it puts me in this meditative state, where everything is peaceful and I can breathe and be calm and just feel happy. I don't know if certain music does that for you, but this, for me, is an rare experience. Sometimes I day dream about sitting on the side of a mountain in New Zealand while listening to them. It sounds silly, but when I think about being in such a beautiful place, I want to hear beautiful noise. And sometimes I think Sigur Ros is what heaven must sound like.

Sigur Ros is touring around the world right now. I've been known to say that if I ever got to chance to see them live I would never have to see another show again. They are the band I care the most about, easily. They also happen to be playing close to where my best friend and I will be at the end of May. While I can't go to the Oregon show because I'll be celebrating my dear friend's wedding, they are playing across the border the next day in Canada. Of course my passport is expired (don't let your passport expire!). But I applied for a passport card (much cheaper than renewing and expediting a passport) today and it should get here before I leave for Oregon. Hopefully everything else will fall into place, Leanne and I will drive over to Canada, and I'll see my favorite band, finally, after 12 years of love and devotion. And it'll be like this:

And like this: 

What's even better is that I'll be there with my best friend. She's willing to do this for me. She doesn't make fun of me when I cry. Which is good, because I'll probably be so happy to see Sigur Ros that I'll cry a little bit.

I'll leave you with some more of my favorite videos. And a shout out to Chris V. and your brother, wherever you are, for introducing me to this magic. 

(be careful, there's nudity in the one below! And yes, that's Shia LaBeouf)

Call for artists/friends

I need you in my life. Like, really need you in my life. Can we hang out more?

I went to an art opening tonight with my sweet friend Sharon. Just talking to that girl gets me fired up..... it makes me remember how important it is that I interact with other artists.

I can't believe how easy it is to grow up and push aside what I love so much. Because I work too much, or I'm too tired, or tools are expensive, or I don't have any good ideas, or it's not "important", or I don't think people want to hear what I have to say. I think artists have a special sort of soul that tonight, thanks to conversation with my friend, I might finally be able to accept and embrace. We are complicated and we think too much, we get sad and isolate ourselves, we get angry and resent that we're not more appreciated, we get manic and forget what time it is, we get obnoxious and think we're special, we get overwhelmed and don't know where to start, we get discouraged and feel invisible. I can see a painting and roll my eyes. I can see another painting and be brought to tears. I can talk about the actual feeling of creating something and my heart tightens, and I love it because it reminds me of who I am.

But it's so easy to grow up and push aside what we love so much.

I don't want to forget who I am because I work too much, or I'm too tired, or because tools are expensive, or I think I don't have any good ideas, or because I don't feel important or think people want to hear what I have to say.

So can we hang out more? We can inspire each other to create. We can make important things that some people might roll their eyes at, but others will be brought to tears by. 

We get to show people the truth.

Lent, version 2013

Growing up I never sacrificed bad habits for Lent. I was Methodist, and unless I remember incorrectly, there wasn't a lot of stress on the act of giving up a comfort during this season. It wasn't until I became Anglican in 2008 that I started even considering acknowledging Lent. So over the past few years, I'd give up Dr. Pepper, or fast food, or even facebook (which I coincidentally deactivated my account a week ago.. and it has been GLORIOUS!). It wasn't until recently that I learned that Lent wasn't just about giving up something I enjoyed or something that made me comfortable, but it was about giving up (or taking on) something in order to get closer to God. I think in the past, I thought I should suffer, because Christ suffered for me. But this year, this season of Lent means so much more to me.
This year I gave up movies. You might think this is silly. I know Father Thomas wouldn't think it's silly. The reason I chose to give up movies is simple. I've developed this nasty habit of avoiding really living. That probably sounds dramatic, but you have to know that I'm really, really serious. Sometimes, life gets so hard, or stressful, or chaotic, that at the end of the day, when we get home, we just want to sit on the couch and turn our brains off. Working in a restaurant, this is true for me. Standing on my feet all day and using my creative brain muscles for 7 hours straight, makes me very, very tired. So I come home, get on facebook for 45 minutes, watch a movie, eat some dinner that is probably cereal, catch up on some It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, get back on facebook and then go to bed. I use all of these things as distractions, because  for whatever reason (I know the reasons), I just don't want to listen to the noise in my head. So I decided to give up movies. I put my netflix on hold. To be uncomfortable. To be forced to find something more productive to do with my time. To wash my dishes, and keep my house clean, and make some art, and to read and pray.
I also decided to take on something this year. This concept is also pretty new to me. But this year, I decided to take on exercising every day. This is huge for me. This will, in fact, ensure that I am suffering. Just kidding. But really. Every day I will either walk, hike, do yoga, swim, lift weights, or do some other form of cardio at the gym. Rain or Shine. One reason I want to take this on, is because I feel like exercise will truly help me emotionally (as well as physically). But more importantly, I hope to take a lot of walks outside, because that's when I feel at peace, and am the most reflective and prayerful. I want to give myself some time to really listen. I hope that taking the time to go on a walk or hike or to stretch will really help with my spiritual life. I have no idea what to expect, and I'm excited.
I should mention, every year I've given something up, I've failed. I cheated or just gave up because I thought it didn't matter. But this year I can say, with my whole heart, I fully intend to see this season through. Obviously, I can do anything with God behind me. And obviously I know that if I should fail, I am no less loved or valued. But I'm going to try really, really, really hard not to watch movies and to exercise every day. But mostly, because of these things I'm doing or not doing, I'm going to try really, really, really hard to hear what God might want to tell me.

Smoking Guns

**Oh HEY! This is my 100th post!**
When I was a kid, I grew up around guns. My dad has a ranch, so naturally, he had a few shotguns in the house or garage, for when a pesky coyote showed up, or anything else that might be annoying to our garden or chickens. I don't ever remember him feeling like he had to tell us that the guns were off limits.... I think we just knew. However, sometimes he'd take Heather, Adrienne and me out to the tank, we'd throw some dried cow dookie into the water, and we'd shoot at it. It was fun.
I suppose this seems to be the time to write about my feelings on guns. So here goes....
I don't like guns. But I don't hate them either. I think if someone wants to go out and hunt in order to feed their family, more power to them. I'd rather know where my meat was really coming from. You'll never see me shoot an animal though, I just can't stand the thought of actually taking a life, even an animal's. Oh wait, I'm so hypocritical because I eat meat, so I am taking lives.... ugh, it's so complicated. I should really become a vegetarian. Anyway, I just don't think my soul could handle actually pulling a trigger and killing a sweet deer. But if you do it, I'm not judging.
What I don't like, is when people use guns for hurting or scaring others. For instance, I've had 3 friends get robbed, at gun point, in my neighborhood. Come on now, why do people have to go and do that? I used to think that people shouldn't be allowed to have guns. But the sad reality is, "bad" people will always find a way to have guns. And "good" people will be left without protection. Or meat.
Yesterday, for the first time, I went to a shooting range. It's been something I've wanted to do for awhile now, just to have that experience. My good friends Chris and Lori took me. Here's Chris and I waiting for a lane to open up:

Once we got in, I found myself a bit nervous. I kept thinking a bullet was going to explode in my hand when I was trying to load the gun. I still have both of my hands.
Chris proceeded to show me how to hold the gun (the first one I shot was a Glock 9mm), and talked me through how to aim it. This was my first shot:

You can ignore that ridiculous face, I need to practice another "holy shit!" look. Needless to say, my aim did not continue to be that good. But that's okay, because I had fun. Here are some highlights:

This one's titled: Don't even think about messing with Mr. Heiselman

(for those of you that don't know, he's a teacher).

Look at that fire!

Dang my hair is getting long!

This might have been the shell that hit me in the face.

I'll leave you with this.... I'd rather be comfortable with using a gun than scared of it. Whether or not I ever own one.

And I thought about posting this on my front door:

Too much?

Taking notes and making plans

I don't know about you, but when I crave change, I want EVERYTHING to change. Right at this moment, the changes I want to make are as follows: exercise more, cook more, juice more (not in the steroids way, but in the actual juicing vegetables way), make more art, make more money (as in enough to pay all my bills!), pray/meditate more, spend more time with friends and family, travel more, save money more, etc etc. 

I want things to be better. To really enjoy life. To stress less and not be under so much pressure to get everything right. To be successful in truly taking care of myself in all aspects. To feel like a grown ass woman who can take care of herself. 

Does anyone else have this problem? Expect that you'll be able to wake up the next morning and suddenly have time to go to the gym, go to work, cook a healthy dinner, see some friends, get some reading done, watch your favorite show, then go to bed to do it all over again the next day? Yah, there are way too few hours in the day.

But I guess my question is this.... how do YOU set goals and make changes? Apparently I leave notes like these all over my house to motivate me:

Unfortunately, I don't even really see these anymore. I've become desensitized. Every once and awhile, though, I do take a minute and really take in the message. So I leave them up for those moments.

But my favorite "note" of all is this one:

It's for when I can't breathe. When I feel so scared of failure that I don't even want to try. When I feel so powerless and out of control of what's going on in my life. This prayer was given to me by someone I trust very much. She told me it would help bring me peace. And it does. Because what it reminds me is that it's really about taking baby steps. And I just need to learn to chill out and not try to change everything in my life all at once. 

But also I need to quit wasting time. 

32, the year great things are going to happen

Tomorrow is my 32nd birthday. I don't even want to talk about what I thought I'd be doing when I was 32 as a child. What I DO want to talk about is how amazing my friends are. I'm truly blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life.... I'm not quite sure how I got so lucky.
My birthday party this year was inspired by Downton Abbey (yay season 3 starts tonight!) and by the awesome tea pots I got for Christmas/Birthday this year:

While I couldn't invite EVERYONE I wanted to (think 600 square foot house with 25 people!), I'm glad I got to spend time with the ones that were able to make it. I'm REALLY thankful for all the help I got (Mom, Adrienne, Saphire!) to make this fun and special. 

My heart is full.

So here are some shots from the tea party! 

Making mini cakes out of cupcakes

Aren't they CUTE???

These were a labor of love for sure! Recipe here.

Like how I fit Texas in??

Melanie

my momma

Anne-Darling

Elizabeth dressed the part

Beth and Rebecca

Rebekka

My new iphone case from Saphire... my favorite artist and painting!

Me and my sister Adrienne!! 

Elizabeth, Saphire and me.... aka the cake room sisters?

Lindsey!

Sharon, Susan, Rebekka and Grace

Me and Saffie

The girls that Yaya fell in love with

Olivia and Zoe, my connection to my 20 year old self :)

Juice fast: That's a wrap

Originally Rebekka and I planned to fast for 10 days. However, after much conversation, we decided that we would end our fast after today (day 6). I'm not going to go into all the reasons, but just know that we both felt like this was the best decision for us. So now, some final thoughts....

Things I didn't like about my experience fasting:
*It was much more emotionally difficult for me that I was prepared for.
*I really, REALLY don't like drinking my vegetables. I tried all kinds of combinations of veggies and fruit, but never really got to a point of enjoying my juices.
*I never felt AMAZING, like so many other juice fasters said they felt.
*I never stopped being hungry. I read that usually the hunger goes away, but it never did for me.

Things I loved about my experience fasting:
*Physically, I feel great.
*I just went 6 days without eating food, and that makes me feel very strong, disciplined, amazed, the list could go on....
*I now crave very healthy foods. The thought of eating something "bad" has no appeal to me.
*I don't want caffeine.
*I want to cook everything I put into my body, myself.
*I have a very strong desire not to undo what I've done for myself in the past 6 days.
*Oh, and I lost 11 pounds.

It was so unbelievably helpful to go through this experience with my good friend Rebekka. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have had such a rewarding experience if she hadn't been right there at my side.

I am so glad I did this fast. I've learned a lot about myself, and feel like I've truly re-booted. I'm pretty much ready to take on the world at this point.

Thanks for tagging along....

Juice fast: hallucination sensation on our juice vacation

Rebekka and I were hyper tonight while making juices. We started rhyming words with vacation. Rebekka might have even rapped a little...
Today was okay. This morning I was dragging.... and during the rest of the day I had bursts of energy and then low points. It's very possible that I'm not drinking "enough" juice, but I am trying!! It's hard to work while constantly drinking juice.
The GREAT news is that I'm finishing day 5! Rebekka and I made celebratory pretend mojitos:

(we made mint, lime and pineapple juice). 

We're VERY proud of ourselves so far.... and we're both learning so much. This is definitely a difficult journey for me, but when I'm done, I will know I can pretty much do ANYTHING if I can juice fast for 10 days!

Juice Fast: This... isn't so bad

Overall, today has been a pretty good day. I woke up feeling like myself, went to work, got through the day just fine. It was nice to be distracted all day, but seriously, working in a restaurant isn't the best job to have when you're fasting!!
I'm still having a hard time with the green juices. Right now I'm drinking romaine, cucumber, lemon, ginger, apple... it's not that bad. I do tend to like sweeter juices better but I'm trying really hard to get plenty of vegetables.
The worst part is all of the cravings I'm having. I was hoping that would get easier. I guess if it doesn't, there is a lesson in it.
I haven't eaten food in 4 days. Isn't that weird?! 6 days to go!

Juice fast: This SUCKS

I hate it.
Well, right this minute I hate it.
This is hard.
Rebekka, Manley and I went to the movies today, as a distraction. And then we smelled the popcorn. Rebekka said it smelled like dead people. I thought it smelled glorious. But what do I know....
I made the most god awful juice after the movie (kale, blueberry, orange I think.... I've already blocked it from my memory). It was so bad I wanted to cry. I decided to back off of the kale and try romaine. Hopefully it doesn't taste as strong... I think it will be much better. Kale tastes like grass and I'm never juicing with it again. At least not on this fast.
I think I'm done complaining now. As I understand it, day 3 is supposed to be pretty difficult, hence the anger in my writing.
I should add though, that I am not feeling awful, just mostly emotional, a little light headed at times, a little spacey at times, but mostly my body just feels tired. I think I might not be drinking enough juice. So I need t fix that. Oh and I lost 6 pounds the first two days, so that's nice.
I'll leave you with this....

Juice fast: I want to eat EVERYTHING

Today has NOT been easy. I woke up feeling okay. Had a few breakfast Popsicles. Rebekka came over and juiced while I decorated my nephew's birthday cake. Took a 3 hour nap. Drank some juice, watched part of Jane Eyre. Sneezed A LOT. Went to my nephew's birthday party. Wanted to cry when I smelled the turkey burgers with cheese and bacon and tomato and lettuce and pickles. 

In all seriousness though, I don't feel awful. I don't feel good either. Just tired and spacey. A little light headed.

Rebekka and I decided to make a list as to why we're doing this. I'll get that to you tomorrow. I need help remembering.

Two reflections though: last night I was laying in bed and my stomach was growling and I told myself- this is nothing compared to the suffering so many people face. All those starving children and adults....it humbled me. Secondly, when I cut into a pear this morning I thought- I just really really want to eat this pear. I've never wanted to eat a pear. I hope that this feeling of valuing fruits and vegetables really stays with me throughout this process.

Juice Fast: Eggs and Bacon

Juice fasting is not easy. It's even more difficult when you work in a restaurant known for it's southern comfort food. Someone was eating eggs and bacon for breakfast today. Who thought this was a good idea again?

Oh yah, me. 

All in all, it hasn't been bad. I've had plenty of energy throughout the day (although I'm starting to feel a little tired and it's only 5:30, but what's new). I've been a little hungry all day, but mostly it's just the temptations around me. On that note, 

My good friend Mikayla had this for lunch:

(um, yum)

And this is what I had for lunch:

(kale, cucumber, celery, lemon, apple juice)

I just keep reminding myself I'm doing this for a lot of good reasons.... not to punish myself but actually to make my life better. 

I'm baking my nephew's birthday cake right now and it smells like heaven probably does. Good thing I have this to chew on:

(strawberry, blueberry and kiwi popsicle I made from the juice)

What the KALE?!

Tonight Rebekka and I went shopping for our produce. I'm so DELIGHTED that a good friend of mine is going through this fast with me.

We stocked up on kale mostly, because that will be going in most of our juices. When we were leaving the grocery store, we both kind of squealed and decided it was kind of like going on vacation. Don't ask me how, we're just going to go with it....

Wish us luck. I know I'm going to need it!